Most of the time, when couples come in for counseling their biggest complaint is: “poor communication.” And in my many years of helping couples stay connected, I’ve seen that poor communication has been a leading cause for couples to lose each other. However, this does not just apply to couples; it applies to all important relationships. Effective and acceptable communication makes the difference in a relationship. When communication is accepted and given/received on a regular basis, relationships stays healthy and grow. So how does this happen?

 

Here are some ideas and suggestions. As I say to our clients, “You never have to do anything I suggest.”

 

1. Take the time to find a good time and place Please do not get into a serious discussion on an impulse or in reaction to a problem. “Never talk to upset people and never talk to people when upset.”  . So you may need to ask, “When would be a good time to talk?” Many folks are very nervous about confrontation so they avoid it or get upset, cry or fly into a rage. So, it can be helpful to learn how to breathe deeply and relax. If your spouse is watching football and calm and you start the conversation with a lot of upset emotional, this will basically sabotage any relationship. Or if your partner is sleeping and you want to talk about a significant problem, this is what I consider “ambushing or abusing” your partner/spouse. Or if your friend is simply calm and reading, and you start talking fast and loudly, it can be unsettling. If the other person is calm, then you need to get your self calm. 
2. You can help your spouse not get defensive. Getting defensive is normal and applies to both genders. This is a natural reaction for self protection or to protect your children or loved ones. So, a way to help the other person is to not give them a reason to be defensive. To avoid making your spouse as defensive, use the word “confused” when you can. Instead of saying, “I was really mad when you didn’t call me back and you knew I needed to talk,” say “I know you care about me, and want me to be okay, so it was really confusing to not get a call.”  Too many folks use the word “never” or “always” in these kinds of conversations. “You never call me back when you know I need it.”
3. Avoid jumping to conclusions or mind reading. Yes, you may know your friend very well, but you really can’t read your mind. And even if you’re a good “guesser” it can sound very insulting. “I know what you’re thinking!” (So, this means I have no right to have any private thoughts of my own? Or, since you know what I’m thinking, I don’t have a right to speak for myself? Give him or her benefit of the doubt by asking to clear things up.  None of us can read another person’s mind, and yet we often assume we know what our spouse is thinking or intending—and we’re often off-base.
4. Talking about serious things means two people need to act like “Real Partners”.  Say things like, “Finally I get to talk this through with you... I always feel better when I can talk things over with you because you’re really good at just listening. I like being partners.”
5. Use your friend’s name during the conversation. It’s amazing how many people, especially couples, don’t call each other by name very often. It’s much more intimate and bonding to say, “Gil, you’re always so wonderful about listening to me when I need to talk” than to have a long conversation without using your partner’s name. I know I like to hear my name. I know many others do too. Even though you may use “Honey” or “Sweetie” on a regular basis, use your partner’s name at least occasionally, also. It does make a difference.
6. Give your undivided attention when you’re talking. Of course, some short conversations take place when both partners are on the run, but for important communication, you’ll want to schedule time to talk when you can turn off the electronics, and get rid of things that interrupt. One of the most powerful ways for a man to express his love to his lover or wife is to turn off the TV, especially when watching that football game, etc. etc. and say, “I need to really listen to you.”
7. Body language is the most important part of effective communication, over 63% comes from body language. Eye contact makes a huge difference. It’s distracting and unsettling to talk to someone who is watching TV, reading or looking down and not making eye contact. The message can feel like, “I guess I’m not really important right now.”  Negative body language can really turn things off: “rolling the eyes, walking away without an explanation or civil comment, grunts, groans, frustrated sighing, and on and on.”
8. Stay focused on the present not the past or the future. Avoid thinking about what you’re going to do at work the next day or what happened yesterday.  
9. Many people learn after coming to counseling that they really do need to make appointments with each other just to talk! Or even more importantly, time away from the daily grind and just be alone. It’s easy for communication to get avoided, rejected, or seriously destroyed in busy routines.
10. Respect is more important than love. Sure, love is important, but for an established relationship and to deal with conflict, respect comes first. Your friend, partner or spouse has every right to have his/her opinions, beliefs, and ideas, even if you think he or she is “wrong” or off-base. Instead of saying, “That’s stupid,” say something like; “Let me think about that.” “That’s an interesting idea. I hadn’t thought of it that way before. I think differently because…”Remember, name calling or belittlement will stop honest communication because your partner won’t feel emotionally safe.

Connecting Deeply in Your Marriage
through Shared Feelings
By Lee Hefner

“My husband won’t show me his feelings.” We hear it over and over again from frustrated wives. And a husband who won’t share emotions can be an obstacle to a better marriage. Why?

True intimacy—the closeness that results when two people can honestly share deep feelings—is elusive when one partner can’t or won’t reveal who he truly is emotionally.

I believe finding intimacy in a marriage is made more difficult because of the way boys are raised in most societies. We’re taught to never show pain or allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Feelings are for girls.

When I grew up, this was the accepted definition of what manliness was all about. You solved problems or played sports if you were a boy. Many men raised in this model have never known any other reality, and they take this attitude into their marriage.

The sad result too often is missed opportunities at happiness, embittered partners, even divorce. Sometimes after years of marriage, couples ask us, “What went wrong in our marriage?”

Here’s the Secret

What I found out was a secret that has given me a great marriage and been a key to a successful life.

The secret is this: Emotions are a source of strength and power. And by being sensitive to what you’re feeling and being real with your spouse regarding your emotions in a positive way, you can set the stage for a wonderful, rewarding, and fulfilling marriage.

Men who never tap into their feelings don’t realize they could have more joy, spontaneity, laughter, and better sex in their marriage by following a simple prescription. But at some level, many are afraid of confronting feelings, especially negative ones, because they haven’t developed the skills to handle them appropriately.

When many couples have a fight, the usual response from both partners is defensiveness and mutual blame. The predictable outcome in the marriage is a downward spiral. Couples may shut down emotionally, intimacy is lost, and the quality of the marriage suffers.

But a paradox in relationships is that moments of conflict hold the greatest potential for emotional intimacy. This can happen when the partners take responsibility for working on themselves rather than getting caught up in blaming the other.

Four Rules for Using Emotions

 

 

Here are some guidelines that will help both partners to use their feelings to improve their marriage:

Realize that emotions can be a powerful ally in helping you get what you want in your marriage relationship. Be open to the possibility that feelings (even negative emotions) offer the potential and power to create a win-win situation for yourself and your spouse. Be aware that showing emotions appropriately can be a path to strength and success.

Notice what emotions you feel when you’re with your spouse. Don’t hold back in showing your spouse positive feelings like love, appreciation, and respect. But pay special attention when you’re upset or feeling angry. It’s been said there are really only two basic emotions—love and fear.

If you’re feeling some negative emotion like anger, stop and take a deep breath. Deep down, you may have some fear that is being activated. Ask yourself: “What fear does this situation bring up for me?” Be willing to share those fears with your spouse, using “I” statements rather than “you.”

You might say something like: “When you made us late last night to the party my first reaction was to get mad at you. Then I realized I really felt embarrassed because I was afraid our friends would think I wasn’t reliable.”

Take responsibility for your emotions and adopt the attitude of “How can I use this experience to grow?”

Remember to be kind to your spouse, even while disagreeing. You can use compassion while gently voicing your concerns. Choose your words carefully. Never stomp on the vulnerable side that your spouse shows. And ask her (or him) to show you the same respect.

It’s important to learn to tolerate your emotional discomfort during an argument without lashing out at your spouse. It can take courage to maintain courtesy and respect for your spouse even in the midst of disagreement. But it’s well worth it.

Reaching for true intimacy requires opening up some part of yourself that is tender and easily hurt. That part is your innermost self—the sacred ground of the spirit. It is tender grass that an insensitive partner could easily trample on. Make sure you don’t step on your spouse’s feelings when she shares them with you.

Be willing to take responsibility for your side in a disagreement and apologize for your part. Above all, avoid blaming your spouse.

Even if you feel justified in criticizing your spouse, use moderation. Recognition from you that every disagreement has two sides and you respect her right to have her own perception will go a long way toward ending a quarrel. This creates an opening for reconciliation.

Sharing feelings can be scary for men, because it goes against ingrained beliefs and habits about what it means to be male in this society. But in a relationship of compassion and trust, the sharing of deep emotions can create a marriage of profound intimacy that can only be described as a soul connection.

And this type of relationship has universal appeal. Because happiness is a currency that everyone wants.

(printed with permission)

By Gil Garcia, MSW, ACSW

Think back to when the two of you were dating one another. Did you have times when you had nothing to say to one another? Probably did not. If you did, you were probably kissing a lot or making love. But in between those times, you enjoyed each other’s company, laughed a lot, teased a lot and were “just talking.”

When a couple reaches the point of not having anything to say to one another, their marriage is in serious trouble. Here are some tips on why conversation in a marriage is so essential, and topics to talk about.

"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." Andre Maurois, French Novelist.

Most folks don't marry someone they can't talk with. A good conversation is when you are both contributing to the conversation. When you are having a good conversation with your spouse, you are both giving each other your undivided attention. It happens best when the television is off and you actually look at each other.

 

Conversation fills many needs:

To be connected to another. To be part of each other’s life.

To have your feelings and thoughts heard and respected. What gave you a laugh today? What irked you or bothered you today?

To learn new things. You may not want to know how to make a roasted turkey but listening can say, “I love you. I’m glad you do this for us.”

To sort through issues and problems. Facing the difficult things with two heads.

To discuss and explore solutions. Figuring things out together.

To reach an understanding of one another. To listen and to accept each other just as we are.

 

*What to Talk About?

 Your spouse's hobbies or other interests.

Plans for a future trip together.

Memories of your childhoods.

Movies or television shows.

Things you would like to experience or places you would like to visit.

Something you learned during the day or something you did differently or new that day.

Discuss your thoughts and feelings about the day.

Ask some questions that begin with "if you could", or "Have you ever", or "do you believe."

Although the news, weather, kids, jobs, money, household chores, health issues, in-laws, friends, etc. are all important topics that the two of you need to talk about, don't let them be the main focus of your conversations with each other.

 

 

Top 10 Listening Skills for Married Couples

One of the main reasons couples divorce is because they lost the ability or never had the skills to communicate with one another. Poor listening skills lead to the breakdown in communication in a marriage. Here are some tips on how to be a more effective and life-giving listener.

1. Don't Interrupt

Let your spouse finish what they are saying. If this is a problem and you interrupt a lot, find someway to remind yourself to keep quiet. Some people put their chin in their hand as a sign to themselves to not speak til their mate is finished talking.

2. Keep an Open Mind

Don't judge. Jumping to conclusions or looking for the right or wrong in what is being said prevents you from listening. Think before you say anything in response, especially if it is an emotional reaction.

3. Make Listening a Priority

Listen without planning on what you are going to say in response. Let go of your own agenda. Be aware that you need to listen. Make eye contact. Pay attention by not looking at the TV or glancing at the newspaper or finishing up a chore.

4. Use Feedback Technique

Let your partner know that you heard what they said by using a feedback technique and restating what was said. Say something like "I hear you saying ...." Be open to the possibility that you didn't hear clearly what your spouse was saying.

5. Watch Non-Verbal

Be aware of non-verbal signs and clues - both yours and those of your mate. These include shrugging your shoulders, tone of voice, crossing arms or legs, nodding, eye contact or looking away, facial expressions (smile, frown, shock, disgust, tears, surprise, rolling eyes, etc.), and mannerisms (fiddling with papers, tapping your fingers). 55% of the message is delivered through non-verbal signs.

6. Blocks to Listening

Try not to fall into these patterns of listening: mind reading, rehearsing, filtering, judging, daydreaming, advising, sparring, being right, changing the subject, stonewalling, and placating.

7. Stay Focused

Focus on the main points that your spouse is talking about. It's ok to ask questions to clarify what you thought you heard.

8. Gender Differences

Although not true for everyone, men and women generally communicate differently. Being aware can enhance your listening skills. Men often share because they want to give information or solve a problem. Women tend to talk to connect with someone or to get information. Women usually talk more about relationships than men. Men are often more concerned about details than women.

9. Show Respect

Respect your spouse's point of view, even if you disagree with what is being said.

10. Advice & Talking

Don't give advice unless asked for it. You can't listen and talk at the same time. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. Although it is true many men like to be “Mr. Fix It” to solve the problem, many women prefer just a listening ear, a sympathetic “Oh, my baby.” Or “You’ve got to be kidding!”